Some years back I could be sad and alone meditating and stressing myself
over the daily happenings and the course life was taking. I could be sited under a tree in company of a novel to assist me drown the
thoughts about me, about my family, my education, my ... just about
everything.
With the dawning of a new year too much thoughts would
be playing poker in my mind not knowing what to think first then what
follows. You know that situation when you cannot really know what's
going on in your mind but you are transfixed into a million thoughts
that you cannot explain to anybody what you were thinking about? Now
that's how it would have been or how it had been earlier.
I didn't
have many friends because what would we be talking about anyway? What
would we be sharing as friends? Life was that twisted.
It had all
began when my dad was dismissed from work, a company he had worked for
since he graduated from college. He was the breadwinner my mom being a
house wife and it was tough. He hadn't said earlier that he had sought a
loan for his parents amounting to seven hundred thousand. The minute
he had cleared paying the loan through deductions from his salary they
fired him.
Life had not been easy and everyone seemed to know our
tribulations. To cut the long story short it came to a point where we
were sent home for school fees. It was the beginning of my solitude.
I
isolated myself from everyone but my mom. At school it was the same. I
kept myself busy with novels to avoid too much talk. The lamest part of
that period was the point of breaking down and blaming everyone for all i
was going through. I didn't see as if anybody mattered in my life full
of frustrations. I saw other people and their families and wished I
were apart of them.
My mom and dad are staunch Christians and they
brought us up in church, you know what I mean. At this time I kept
praying and asking God to change our lives so that we could live well
like others but I didn't see any change in our lives.
Life now
tightened its grip on us, that awkward feeling of rejection even though
people want to be around you, that awful thought that people are
laughing about your current situation that ain't so good. Now that's
what made me see that life was unfair, Lord we are believers and we
trust you and have faith in you. Why are we in so much trouble yet the
family of so and so are prospering and are successful? Like the
Pharisee in the Bible who compared himself with another man and praised
himself that he was better than the guy. Lord have mercy. I came to such
a low point and told God of all good i had done and that so and so
should not be rejoicing in plenty while we are languishing in pain of
poverty. Note, I later asked God to forgive me.
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It was time to rise
up and be me. It was time that I stopped looking down upon myself and
show the people that i could make it. That my family and my background
did not and will never be used to dictate my future. The little time I
had would be used to make a step ahead no matter how small it was.
I
resolved to start identifying myself with prominent people in my
society and that was my motivation. I told God to grant me Grace and
hide me from anger. I prayed for my enemies to live longer so they would
one day witness God's doing in my life.
But all this prayer at first
was all feelings of anger and vengeance. I wanted to get back to
everyone who never helped me and my family. I wanted fast riches so that
all those people would worship me. I wanted power no matter where it
came from. I don't know if you've ever experienced that. A time when you
feel that you can be anybody in this world, you can worship anything as
far as you get everything that you want in this life.
But all in all
there is no better feeling than to know the truth and to work for a
specific objective that is self benefiting rather than something
destructive to you and someone else.
So one day i had this dream
that I had been successful but I was alone. I had nobody to celebrate
with me, nobody to help and nobody to tell me what to do.
